She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
