Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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