My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
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Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
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5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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