I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
