I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
