I got chris browned last night
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
