when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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