I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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