Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
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he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
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I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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