hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
