Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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