Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
