maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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