Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
