No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
