I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
