i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
