I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
cat food counts as protein by the way
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
