I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
it's great music for shaving your balls
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
