The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
