In the future we'll all be gay
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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