the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
