I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
