I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
