So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
pray to the hookup gods
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
