my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
