you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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