I cannot find my penis.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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