Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
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