Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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