I met the friendliest cop last night
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
