I think I won the penis lottery.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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