Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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