I just pynch a tree in the face
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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