i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
