there's paper in my vomit.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
