You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
