so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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