3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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