I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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