Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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