Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Who died my cat blue again?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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