By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
