Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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