life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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