I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
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This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
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Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.