You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.