How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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