i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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