I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
