why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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