oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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